Listening to understand, not to answer

Think back to the last disagreement you had with someone you love. While they were speaking, what were you doing? If you are like most people, you were getting your reply ready.

It is a very human habit. It is also one of the main reasons that two people who care about each other can talk for an hour and both walk away feeling unheard.

The argument underneath the argument

Couples rarely fight about what they appear to be fighting about. The dishes, the phone at dinner and the forgotten errand are usually standing in for a larger question: Do I matter to you? Can I count on you? Do you see how hard I am trying?

When we answer only the surface complaint, the deeper question goes unanswered, and so it comes back, wearing a different outfit, next week.

A small shift

Listening to understand means setting your own reply to one side for a moment, and giving your full attention to what the other person is trying to tell you.

It sounds simple. In the heat of the moment, it is one of the hardest things a person can do.

Being understood is often more healing than being agreed with.

Try this at home

Choose a calm moment, not the middle of an argument, and try the following.

• One person speaks. Keep it short, and talk about your own experience rather than the other person's faults.
• The other reflects back. Say what you heard in your own words, then ask, "Did I get that right?"
• Check before replying. Only once your partner feels understood do you swap roles.
• Pause if it heats up. Agree a time to come back to it, and keep that promise.

You will probably feel awkward the first few times. That is a sign you are doing something new, not something wrong.

What changes

When people feel heard, their guard comes down. The conversation slows. It becomes possible to be curious about each other again, and problems that seemed impossible start to look like something two people could work on together.

You do not have to agree in order to understand. You only have to be willing to stay with what your partner is saying long enough to truly take it in.

When to get support

If the same argument keeps returning, if conversations turn hurtful quickly, or if one of you has stopped raising things altogether, it may help to have a steady third person in the room.

Couples counseling is not only for relationships in trouble. Many couples come because things are good and they would like to keep them that way.

This article is general information, not a substitute for care from a professional who knows you. If you are in crisis, call or text 988.